Family Visits

One of the defining characteristics of expat life is that it is lived at a distance, sometimes a great distance, from family.  Costs and bureaucracy add to the physical distance but there is an emotional distance too, often overlooked.

Visits help to maintain strong family bonds.

Living abroad changes us – it opens the eyes to experiences beyond the home country, makes you think in a different way.  Some things which seem so important at home become far less so after a few years abroad whereas other rituals which were never very important suddenly become defining characteristics of home and the home culture.  What goes and what stays is different for every expat 

Nevertheless while we change our family stay the same.  Very often they will have no idea of normal day to day life – many expats say their family members think they live in a permanent ‘Club Med’.  Other aspects of the expat lifestyle (housekeepers, drivers etc) may give rise to jealousy even if they are a necessary part of your life abroad.  I never forget the reaction of our family and friends back in Europe when they found out that for one particular posting I was followed everywhere by at least one armed guard. (my parents had more).  To them it sounded impossibly glamorous, to me and my immediate family it meant that there was a threat that had to be taken very seriously.  I worried whenever I was in the UK far away from my parents – never sure whether I would hear (and worse, have to break to my sister) the horrible news that the guards proved necessary. 

Some experiences can't be described over the 'phone
they have to be lived in person.  

These days, of course, my husband, children and I are the ones that are travelling.  My father and sister take this in their stride – it is life as we have always known it.  My husband’s family are experiencing this for the first time, our life is more strange to them and visits more difficult to arrange and undertake. I found, as a child, that it was easier once I had visited my parents in a new location, to imagine their day to day lives and how I fitted in to that.  Because of my itinerant life I have never had a physical home – home has always been about people not place and so family visits mean a lot to me. Family members can visualise how our lives are every day, although of course it is not quite typical as you lay on special experiences – trips to museums, heritage sites or good restaurants.  It is also important for expat children to understand that family will come and visit them and not just wait for the children to go back to the home country.  I loved it when my grandparents visited us in Norway and the UK - I visited my grandparents often and shared in their lives but there was something very special about sharing mine with them.  Our children feel the same and relish being the ones in the know.  During one visit to Kazakhstan Master and Miss EE were spending an afternoon with my father while Mr EE and I were at work, they refused to let him leave the house unless he was wearing enough outdoor clothes.  It was autumn and he thought they were being excessive but they were proved right when, 15 minutes into their trip to the park he was feeling the effects of the steppe wind!  

We have had, in our first three months in Miri, as many visitors as we had during our whole three years in Kazakhstan.  Malaysia is easier and cheaper to get to and there are no visas, it is a holiday destination in its own right.  Kazakhstan was beautiful – and probably far more exotic in the sense that fewer people visit – but many people were put off by the extreme temperatures.  Who wants a holiday in -35 degrees C?

It is important for family to understand where and
how you live to give context when you ring home.

Of course we also have a trump card here in Malaysia – our new baby daughter.  Unsurprisingly everyone in the family wants to meet her and therefore are taking the time to come out and visit.  The nature of these visits is very dependent on the family member.  My sister came to help when the baby was born but took a few days beforehand to explore Sarawak before taking over childcare/school runs for our older two while I was in the hospital.  We have just heard the exciting news that she will come to spend Christmas with us, bringing her new significant other for the first time, they will probably use us as a base - going away for a few days before coming back for a day or two with us.  We expect to see her more than any other family member as she will happily detour to see us on her way to and from any other holiday.

My mother and sister in law came a few weeks after the baby was born.  It was their first trip to Malaysia or even this part of Asia so we made sure to show them as much as possible (trips to see Monkeys, the Miri tourist sites, Lambir Hills etc) and treated my mother in law to her first ever Chinese meal for her 80^th birthday.  It was also a chance to spend time with all three of the children.  My mother in law is elderly so may not come out again but we do hope to see my sister in law and the rest of the family in the future. 

Children in particular love to show off their home to visiting family.

My father popped over a few weeks after my in laws left – he had been in Miri years before and sees the older children on skype every week so came primarily to see the baby.  Nevertheless we were able to make some weekend trips – walking on the beach and visiting the Niah Caves heritage site.  The older children had a wonderful time and he taught them to ride their bikes – an experience with him that they will remember for the rest of their lives.  We expect to see a lot of him as well as travel is not difficult for him.  He is retired but still has many voluntary commitments and some remote work so he spends his mornings here ensconced in my office doing his work before spending afternoons ‘en famille’ – the internet meaning he can work here every bit as easily as he can at home. 

There is something so indescribably lovely about spending time, just ordinary time together, having people right there instead of at the end of a phone line and subject to the problems that time zones generate.  As I type this I can hear my father’s voice speaking to my husband in another room and it is a very comforting, happy feeling.  This must be how my parents felt when my sister and I were able to be at home.  Home truly is where the heart is and I love it dearly when all the pieces of my heart can be in the same place at the same time.  

Click on the picture for more information on the challenges of expat life.

Food Souvenirs -

It may seem strange to think of food as a souvenir of your time in country but taste and smell are two wonderfully evocative emotions and can bring back an experience like almost nothing else.  A lot of the food I cook makes me think of growing up with Oma in the Netherlands and helping her prepare meals.  Whenever I have to substitute one ingredient for another I think of my mother’s struggles and creative solutions in her expat kitchen (and thank her for teaching me how to get around such problems). I have a range of British recipes that I have learned to cook and they make me think of the friends who taught me.  Borek transports me back to Turkey, churros to Venezuela, shashlik to Kazakhstan and so on.  

Traditional Christmas pudding - a variation on
my Mother in Law's family recipe.

I shamelessly collect recipes from restaurants – if I like a particular food I find that the chef is usually happy to share.  Sometimes, in out of the way postings restaurants can be a good source of information on where to source ingredients and if you are really lucky and strike up a good friendship they may sell you some part of their wholesale order.  Friends are also an excellent source of recipes – a Turkish friend taught me how to make Baklava and Turkish coffee, a Peruvian friend shared her recipe for causa etc.  I think of them each time I cook their recipes.

Traditional English Scones - recipe courtesy of a family friend.

I have a range of cookbooks that I picked up at various destinations.  Even just reading through them can transport me back to a place and time and it is all the more fun to make food to share with friends.  Of course the internet is a treasure trove of recipes from anywhere and everywhere but there is something so satisfying about a cookery book.

A small selection of books from trips around the world.

In Kazakhstan our housekeeper (a self-confessed mediocre cook) would be fascinated with the recipes I cooked from around the world and I would give samples and translate recipes for her to bring home for her sister to try, they now eat hot cross buns every Easter!  In Nigeria we had a wonderful cook, Johnson, (my mother was required to cater for sit down parties of up to 60 people at least once but often up to three times a week) who loved nothing more than to pore over my mother’s extensive collection of recipes.  He would spend hours preparing shopping lists for dinner parties and experimenting with substitutes.  Other than the failed attempt at profiteroles (substandard flour I believe) everything he turned out was perfect, a real feat given the shopping restrictions in 80’s Warri.  He also copied presentation – I remember a bread pudding where the orientation and number of slices was an exact copy of the picture in the book.  His dream was to open a restaurant – we would happily have helped him set one up but sadly his older brother, head of the family, decided he should continue with the secure work for expat families to support their ageing mother and the family children. 

Meatballs with mash and red cabbage - one of Oma's favourite family meals.

Last Christmas we were in Cambodia spending a holiday with my sister who flew in from the UK.  It was a mutually (in)convenient location and a place we had all wanted to see for  a long time.  I have never had the time to indulge in a cookery course on holiday before now.  Siem Reap, however, has a wide range of cookery classes available and with three adults available to keep an eye on the kids it was possible for two of us to indulge.  It is definitely something I will look into again for future holidays.  Now every time I make fresh spring rolls I remember, not only a terrific holiday in Cambodia but a wonderful afternoon spent with my sister whom I miss very much in the day to day of expat life.

Fresh Spring Rolls - evocative of
a wonderful holiday.

So much of expat life is about impermanence, memories help root us to our own personal history and food memories are some of my favourite. I see this pattern now repeating with my own children - when I cook plov it takes them to Kazakhstan, Yorkshire puddings  (a recently perfected skill) remind them of their granny in the UK.  I wonder what will remind them of me in years to come.

Added to the Expat Life Blog Link where you can find the best expat stories on the web.

Click on the picture for more information on the challenges of the expat kitchen.

Lambir Hills National Park

Miri may not have the range of architectural sights that we were blessed with in Astana but that does not meant that there is not plenty to do - most of it outdoors taking full advantage of our wonderful weather and gorgeous, tropical location.  

Miri is the gatepost/stepping stone to many of the wonderful sites Sarawak has to offer.  Some of these – like Mulu require a flight (out of the question for us at the moment until our passport problems are resolved) but some are practically next door.

There are many National Parks close to Miri showcasing the
stunning Sarawakian forest in its natural state.  

Lambir Hills national park is just 30km from Miri and makes for an easy day trip.  The Sarawak  Forestry Commission claim that Lambir Hills is the world’s most diverse forest eco-system.  The park is small but within it there is, apparently, the greatest level of plant biodiversity on the planet as well as a huge range of birds, mammals and insects; it is a centre for international research.  All this on our doorstep! 

The paths in Lambir Hills are well maintained
making the walking easy for everyone.

Trekking along the well worn forest trails with a family of small children means that we are guaranteed not to see much of the wildlife (and this even though our kids are silent as they can be in the hopes of catching sight of something truly interesting).  What we can see, however, are the stunning waterfalls.  The closer ones are easily accessible – just a 2 km walk to Latak where it is possible to swim in the pool and enjoy a picnic.  There are plenty of longer trails as well and they are all interconnected so you can mix and match your route quite easily.

Latak Waterfall - an easy, short walk and perfect
for a swim and a picnic.

The trails themselves are well maintained meaning that the walking is relatively tame and easy.  Unless you are doing some of the longer treks you will not need to wear specialist footwear or clothing – you see many weekend trippers doing the walk in flipflops.  Do not, however, underestimate the effects of the heat and humidity – it is enervating, particularly for visitors from abroad who have not yet acclimatised so make sure you stock up on water.  The ladies who run the café at the entrance to the park are very friendly – just go to the fridge to stock up and leave the money on the side if they are not there. 

Rivers flow through the Park creating some spectacularly beautiful
waterfalls - the hallmark of Lambir.

The wardens do keep track of the people who go in to the park as you have to pay an entry fee but we were not required to check in on our return so be punctual in leaving before the end of the day so that you are not locked in!

Our kids love Lambir – the bridges over the rivers give a sense of adventure and the sounds of the forest are intriguing.  There are some rope bridges across gaps in the path which are, of course, a magnet for kids.  They take it in turns to 'lead the group' and keep a careful ear out for any wildlife.  Lambir  was our baby daughter’s first walk in the woods although she did not get to see much as she was safely snuggled up in the baby carrier and covered against sun and insects!  With the heavy rains we will not be making quite so many trips there for the moment – rains mean mud and mud is slippery particularly when your centre of gravity is off with a baby in a carrier. 

Lambir Hills is safe for even the youngest children.
If covered up against sun and insects. (Our daughter  was 3
weeks at this point).  Sadly not a flattering look for me!

Click on the picture for more information on life in Borneo.

Red Tape

There are many things I love about life as an Expat but bureaucracy is not one of them and several bureaucratic issues have come up this week. 

Usually bureaucracy is related to the host nation - I recall the hassles getting our Nigerian multiple entry visas when I was a child (until then our passports filled at an alarming rate with multiple 30 day visas, one each holiday visit).  I remember my Father having to get a certified translation of his (Latin) degree certificate when we went to Venezuela.  Kazakhstan was a nightmare - everything (literally everything) had to be notarised and apostilled.  This week the bureaucratic issue have been 'back home'.  

Our older two kids got their student visas back today.  Our son’s runs to then end of the school year when it can be renewed fairly easily.  Our daughter’s passport, however, runs out just before the end of term and the visa expires one month before that so we will have to renew it ahead of time – either by post or going back to the UK and arranging a one day appointment.

We also have to arrange a passport for our new baby as, at the moment, she is in Malaysia on just her birth certificate and we cannot go anywhere, in fact, we are still not sure if we can go elsewhere in Malaysia with just her birth certificate as Sarawak has separate passport control to the rest of the country.  We would like to have some weekend trips so we are trying to sort that out at the moment (the airlines say yes but to check with immigration).

Anyway we made enquiries with the Embassy before she was born and we were told it was a simple online process.  I assumed this would mean that my Husband’s passport and birth certificate details would be verified electronically and we could email a photograph and countersignature verified by the Embassy staff, the passport would be prepared and then sent to us. 

If only it were that simple.  We completed the application form and paid the (exhorbitant) fee only to find that we have to send the passport and supporting documents by mail.  Our passports are very necessary here in Malaysia – my husband travels to the Peninsula approximately once a month and we need it for identification if we go to the bank or even collect something from customs at the post office.  We are calling to check what we should do – we doubt we can use mine as parental ID as I am not a British Citizen.  It would be so much easier to just go to the embassy in KL or over the border in Brunei – this online process is meant to be easy but I suspect it boils down to cost cutting.  Still it is easier than renewing my passport last year – I had to go to Moscow to make the application as the documents never reached me in Kazakhstan (and no way was I entrusting my passport to a courier service that looses application forms).

Before we went to Kazakhstan I stocked up on copy birth certificates for my husband and the children as well as our marriage certificate.  I have only one copy of mine – my uncle tells me that Dutch certificates must be applied for in person so I will have to wait until we visit The Hague again to get more copies.  I am quite meticulous about keeping copies but somehow although we have many copies of my middle daughter’s birth and our marriage certificate we have managed to run out of our son and my husband’s birth certificates.  We used the last copies to get working/student visas here.  So we have to get certificates sent to Malaysia before we can send them back to the UK – crazy!  The UK does all the road tax renewals document checks on line so why not this?

It will all get sorted with time – the frustrating thing is not knowing when we can travel as a family again.  In the meantime there are worse places in the world to be stuck!

Update November 2014

After some unhelpful email correspondence (which directed us back to the website which did not answer our questions) we spoke with a very helpful lady in the UK.  Apparently the passport office will accept a full copy (front, back and every page) of my husband's passport together with a letter explaining why we did not include the original.  We do not have to have the copy certified.  We can send off for our older daughter's renewal at the same time and they will (apparently) process and return them together.  Thank you Lorraine in the Passport Office for being so kind, understanding and practical.  It just shows that technology can be helpful but you can't beat the human touch!

Click on the picture for more information on the challenges of expat life.

Relocation - how to deal with culture shock.

When people ask me where I am from I find it almost impossible to answer.  Readers may have noticed that rather than mention a nationality as such I call myself a global soul or perpetual expat.  In essence I am a true TCK (third culture kid) although I dislike that term. 

Being an expat means life can change, very dramatically from year to year.

With so many international and intra-national moves under my belt I should deal with the emotional upheaval with no problems at all.  I have found, however, that this is simply not the case.  As a child I must have caused my parents endless heartache and annoyance at moving time.  I usually got an unexplained stomach ache about three weeks before we moved.  It did not matter whether I was excited or nervous about the move, my stomach would start to ache. 

Culture shock is a common and acknowledged expat phenomenon and there has even been research on how people adapt to their new home.  Expats tend to identify five stages of relocation (after Olberg).

• Honeymoon
• Irritation/Anger
• Rejection/Regression
• Intergration/Assimilation
• Re-entry

I usually find stages 1-3 combine in the early days of a new posting to give rise to a maelstrom of emotions.  Exploring new places is exciting, finding out what there is to do and what is new and different is a heady experience.  We go to all the local attractions, research what flights are available, dreaming of the exotic holidays we can take and I trawl round shops and supermarkets getting excited about what is on the shelves.  Irritation usually creeps in early for me and I know I have to nip it in the bud so that I don’t reject our new life and the opportunities on offer.  

I tend to assimilate and integrate quickly and easily (I have had so much practice and it helps that I have no real geographic ties) so when I move somewhere new I get frustrated that I am not learning things more quickly.  I am my own worst critic, of course it is not unreasonable, after just two weeks, to not know how to contact the city council, pay a bill, hold a conversation on local pension arrangements in the local language.  I have to make myself remember that, although I could do all this in our previous posting some of it took me a little time to get my head around. Sometimes simple moves can be the most confusing.  I will always remember my very capable mother (who could talk down armed militia in the middle of the African bush) getting very stressed at the thought that she might have missed the registration deadline with the local council in the UK - she was working to Dutch bureaucratic rules!

It helps, when relocating to be aware of the stages set out above and how they might apply to your character.  If you know and understand you can deal more easily.  Like me some people find the second and third stages last a very short time, others may take months to work through them.  Processes and times are also different for each location and it is not always a linear progression.  Sometimes an expat might sail through all the stages and start to integrate well, enjoying their life only for something to set them back and for the realities of their situation to overwhelm them.  This can often be triggered by bereavement in the home country or children moving back 'home' to boarding school but there are many reasons.  It is vital, therefore, to build up support networks early on, find friends, get involved in activities that you enjoy.  It is also important to keep a close eye on other expats around you, has someone started to withdraw, are they quieter than normal, are they struggling but hiding it for some reason? It is a delicate balance between offering help and interfering, however, so let people go at their own pace.  Be aware that once someone has been helped they may be embarrassed and may not wish to speak with you again (unless the problem re-occurs).  This is perfectly normal – try to understand even if you are hurt.

Working expats are often more insulated from culture and relocation shock than the trailing family.  Life changes little, you get up, go to the office, do your job and come home.  Of course the new job will have work related stresses, particularly if a promotion is involved or you now have to work in another language but this is separate from the country specific stress.  The lives of the trailing family are more affected, the children have to adapt to a new school, the other spouse to making life work in a completely different environment.  Sometimes a trailing spouse has to remake their whole identity – this is particularly true if they have left behind a career and are now defined, by default as the “husband or wife of X”.  Finding a job in the host country can be challenging and frustrating – I am a highly qualified financial litigator but I have not worked in the law for years.  I have, however, had a range of different jobs including a stint as a school librarian! 

Family members should be kind to one another at this time – look out for signs of upset or worry.  Just because one child is settling well does not mean that siblings are as happy.  Just because you had a wonderful day at the office does not mean that your spouse enjoyed miming the problems with the pipes to the plumber who was sent around to fix them.  Just because you had a dreadful day registering with the local doctors does not mean your spouse does not need to get work stress off their chest.  In the home country the support of family and close friends is near at hand – in the host country, particularly in the early days, the nuclear family is the only support.  Be aware of this, make a special effort.  Most expat families find that they become very close and have extremely strong bonds because of exactly these experiences but sadly some can find themselves riven – the constituent parts dealing with emotional problems in a vacuum of support. 

How to deal with culture shock – top tips.

• Spend time before your move understanding what you will and won’t miss. This helps you process your emotions about leaving and help you concentrate on your new home when you get there.
• Make contact with people in your new home ahead of time where possible.  This means you can identify potentially challenging aspects of your new life and start to prepare for them.  It also gives you some potential friends and a proto support network.
• Be open and honest with children about changes to their lives.  Ask them what would help them feel secure in the move.  This may be something physical (a toy, a reminder of their old home/school) or not (an arrangement allowing them to speak to an old friend once a week on skype etc).  If you can make it happen do.  If you can’t be honest, never make promises you cannot keep but do help them identify viable alternatives.
• Watch out for each other.  You and your family know (or should know) each other better than anyone else.  Keep an eye out for changed behaviour that might be a symptom of struggling with something. 
• Be kind to yourself, no one expects you to be adept at dealing with all aspects of your new life straight away.  You are allowed to ask for help with things.
• Be positive but honest.  There is good in every situation – try to look at things in a positive light even if it is only that you will have a good laugh and an amazing story to tell one day.  Do not, however, be relentlessly and unrealistically positive.  Sometimes bad things happen and if you do not acknowledge it now you may find it harder to deal with later. 
• Find ways to keep traditions that are important to you and your family.  If Christmas, Eid, Diwali, your national day etc, are something that you always celebrate make sure that you manage this.  You may need to make some changes but these links with your old life are important.
• Learn as much as you can about local customs before you arrive.  Most cultures are very forgiving of solecisms perpetrated by accident but you will feel happier in yourself if you know what behaviour is acceptable.  Similarly try to learn as much language as you can – even a few words and phrases can help.
• Accept every invite you get for the first three months at least.  Expat communities are often small and new arrivals are exciting, everyone wants to get to know you.  Receive an invite to the local tennis club?  It does not matter if tennis is not your thing – go and socialise and get to know people, you will get more invitations from people you meet there.  Random invitations tend to start to dry up after three-six months as people assume you have become settled and found your niche and friendship group.  Make the most of the opportunities you are offered in the early days. 
• As you become more established in your new home keep an eye out for new arrivals.

I have subsequently added this to Life With A Double Buggy's  Expat Linky- click for even more Expat treats.....

Click on the picture for more information on the challenges of expat life.

How to maintain family bonds across borders.

I wrote some time ago about the difficulties of staying in touch with loved ones when you expatriate and how this has become easier over the years.

Recently, talking to my Mother in Law, I realised that I had, as a serial expat from birth, not really understood the concerns of people who grew up with all of their family in a single location.  She has lived in the same city her entire life, her parents and grandparents and great grandparents all come from there and her daughter and three grandchildren live down the road from her.  Although two of her children moved away it was only to another part of the UK and it was always relatively easy for her to call or visit family.

It is important to help kids maintain relationships with family abroad

When we told her we were moving to Kazakhstan, a country formerly almost unknown to her, and that we would be taking her two youngest grandchildren away it hit her very badly.  My family are so used to being abroad that when we told them we were going they just said 'when can we visit?'.  My mother in law worried that she would hardly see or hear from us again and that the children would forget her.  It just never crossed my mind that someone would worry like this and I now feel bad for not taking more time to reassure her.  Luckily the passage of time has done that.

I remember growing up in a different country to my grandparents, aunts and uncles but I love them no less for that, indeed their homes were the unchanging constant in my vagrant life.  My parents took great care to ensure that we had many photos of the family around the house and spoke about them almost every day.  I do the same - Granny is as much part of our lives in Kazakhstan as she is in the UK.  While the time difference (and the fact she does not have internet for skype) can make calls difficult we do try to call her regularly, particularly if the children want to tell her all about an achievement at school or just for a chat.  It is also easy to forget uncles, aunts and cousins and we make sure that we talk about them almost as much as we talk about grandparents. 

We also have a rule that family are welcome to visit at any time and we do everything we can to facilitate a visit (on one occasion my husband flew to the UK and back on a very tiring instant turnaround to escort a nervous relative out here).  We always try to rent a flat with a spare bedroom to make sure that there is a place for them to stay and the children love the opportunity to show off 'their city'.  My father came to visit a few months ago and the children took great delight in showing him the sites and lecturing him on the clothes he should wear (on no account leave the house without a hat, scarf and mittens) even teaching him what to say when ordering in restaurants.  My mother in law braved a Kazakh winter a few years ago and spent Christmas and New Year with us - the children were over the moon. 

Strong bonds mean visits become very special.

 It is tempting to spend all our holidays exploring the interesting places close to our host country, knowing that it is the best ever opportunity  to see and experience them.  We do try, however, to get back to the UK for at least one week in the year to let the children spend some time with their relatives.  Some families I know return to their home country almost every chance they get and their children must see their families more often than we did when we lived in England!  When our children are a little older we will probably let them fly to visit relatives as unaccompanied minors for a half term break when we can't get time off work.

I know of many families where the husband and wife split responsibility for contact - each maintaining contact only with their own families but this does not work for us.  Even if there are tensions with in laws children deserve a relationship with those who love them and my husband and I take equal responsibility for all contact from skype calls to drawing birthday and thank you cards and emailing school reports on.  We work on the basis that in-laws are family too. 

Kids should be able to share their life with their wider family

I have every expectation that, when they grow older, our children will live in a different part of the world to us.  I hope that they will remember that distance makes no different to real bonds of love and affection and work to make sure that we have a strong relationship with their children.

Top tips for keeping family bonds strong:

1. Talk about distant family members often - every day if possible.  Granny loves potatoes, Oma used to cook this for me when I was a child etc etc.
2. Have a lot of photographs around the house - particularly of children with absent relatives.  
3. Try and speak regularly.  Not just in a pre-arranged time slot but let children know that they can call a family member to tell them important news.  Let them send examples of award winning school work to family at home.
   
4. Send lots of photographs back to the family in the home country (my family are on facebook and we make my mother in law an album every year).  Things like school reports are also a good way to help people feel involved in a child's life.
5. Don't limit the initiation of contact to 'my family my job, your family your job'.  The children belong to both families.
6. Make sure that family know they are welcome to visit and try to go home and visit them as often as you can. 
   
7. Don't force children, particularly older ones, to talk to people every call but do expect them to say hello.
8. Allow older children uncensored and private contact with grandparents, aunts, uncles etc.  If they are having a hard time at home they will value having this access in the same way they would if they lived in your home country. 
   
9. Consider allowing older children to travel to family alone for shorter, half term, holidays when you may not be able to get away.

Added to the Expat Life Linky - click the link to read awesome expat experiences from around the world.  

Click on the picture for more posts on the challenges of expat life.

Expat Pets

I spent the day at the vets today – trying to arrange for our new puppy to get her vaccinations.  I started thinking about our expat pets and how they cope with life abroad.  I know many people who put off getting a pet until they get back to their home country – easier for all concerned and kinder on the animal is the usual rationale.  Our pets have always travelled with us, however and I recall only a short period of my  life when we had no pets.  Sadly we had to put down an otherwise healthy dog because of some severe mental health problems that caused him to threaten my baby sister and it was a few years before we could face taking another one in.  During that time, however, we pet sat for almost every friend and friend of a friend so we had an endless stream of loving pets  staying in our home.  

Pets also have to learn to adapt to the challenges of expat life.

There is no getting past the fact that some animals tug at your heart strings and become part of your life –  this is even more true as an expat when you see animals surviving in sometimes desperate situations and you feel you need to help them. The dynamic of life with pets as an expat is slightly different to when you live in your home country.  Rules on vaccination and ownership may be different and the quality of vet services can vary. Pets also have to adapt to new ways of life and new rules for behaviour.  In some countries dogs are welcomed - in others they are seen as unclean and a dog has to learn not to expect fuss from everyone it meets.  Language is another barrier - our dogs have always had to learn a smattering of command words in the local language so house keepers, security staff etc could give them commands.  One of our dogs learned commands in four languages (English, Dutch, Turkish and Spanish - pretty good for a mere animal!).

We have had cats in the past  notably a stray (Tom Kitten) who deigned to spend a few months with us in Norway before deserting to the next door neighbour who served a superior brand of tuna and Kipper – our Nigerian cat who protected us from snakes and brought us gifts of gecko and lizard tails instead of mice.  We had a Parrot once as well – also in Nigeria.  Pip the African Grey came to us as a bedraggled nestling caught by some people out in the bush when his mother was killed – to turn him away would have meant certain death so we fed him on mashed up fruit and built him a cage on the patio.  Sadly he had the most awful temper and could not stand to be handled but he more than compensated for this with his fantastically broad vocabulary – he was great fun to talk to and I swear he knew exactly what he was saying, his favourite trick being to call the cat and dog in my mother’s voice and then enjoy watching the ensuing fight.  Sadly Kipper did not want to stay with us (he found a wife a few doors down) and we could not get an export licence for Pip. Other pets have included goats, turkeys and sheep, usually presented to my parents as gifts, these farm animals lived with us in our gardens for a while before being raffled off for Christmas or Eid dinner for a lucky colleague (I remember my sister and I cried each time).  The most unusual pet was the turkey who faced his raffle with equanimity but was reprieved when the winner decided to start a turkey farm instead.

Much as I have loved our other pets I am, resolutely, a dog person.  We have had dogs in almost every country we have ever lived in and, unlike cats dogs never choose to leave their owners.  Jimmy, our Nigerian dog was a large blond Andalusian Shepherd Cross – he worked at our house every night as our guard dog and when we found out that the company who owned him were abusing him very badly we refused to let him go back and bought his contract.  The poor thing had been so badly beaten that he had been left with no single rib or tooth intact and he was so grateful for his deliverance from hell that he became the most faithful, protective dog I have ever met. I only ever heard him bark twice - both times it was to provide a much needed warning.  

He stayed with us through two postings in the Netherlands and one in Turkey before finally dying in Venezuela.  We were all distraught when he had to be put to sleep knowing that his life had been shortened by the beatings he had taken as a young dog but also knowing that we had given him an extra 8 years of life through taking him in.  Before Jimmy died we adopted a Venezuelan Street Dog – a Kakri that we called Eliza – we found her as a tiny puppy just able to walk that had been discarded on the rubbish heap and could not leave her.  She gave my parents many happy years in Venezuela, The Netherlands and England before dying  last year – the oldest Kakri ever to have lived at 13 years.  She is survived by an English rescue dog who, sadly, has never had the opportunity to travel anywhere.

Eliza - rescued from the streets of Maracaibo at little more than a
month old lived out her days in comfort as a Venezuelan Expatriate
in the Netherlands and UK.  

When we married my husband and I were gifted a tiny black puppy (with our full knowledge and consent).  Abbess came to live with us the day we returned from honeymoon and has been an integral part of our family ever since.  When we found out that we were going to Kazakhstan we had to decide whether to take our 10 year old dog with us or ask a family member to take her in.  We were concerned not only with  how she would handle the cold and snow but, more importantly how a dog who had always lived in the country with free access to woodland whenever she wanted  and never needed a lead would cope in an apartment in a city.  We had no shortage of volunteers to have her but when push came to shove we could not imagine life without her.

Bessie grew up in the English countryside.
A far cry from the city of Astana where she now
takes her daily walks.  

Bessie, more than any other member of the family, has found it difficult to adapt to life in Astana.  The harsh winters have aged her much more quickly than we expected.  We brought a middle aged dog to Astana and now have an elderly grande dame to take care of.  We would not be without her, however, and every evening, when she curls up next to us on the sofa or when she comes to ‘help’ put the children to bed we know that we made the right decision.

Bessie finds expat life in Astana somewhat of a challenge,
particularly the heavy snow and extreme cold. 

Luckily fate has given us the chance to give her a new lease of life – a few months ago a tiny black pup was found wandering the campus of the local university.  The pictures of the puppy showed that she looked very like Abbess and we decided to adopt her.  Bessie has taken to her role as surrogate mother and is enjoying her chance to teach a pup its manners.  Perdita has wormed her way into our hearts and, as with every dog before, we now cannot imagine life without her.

Bessie and Perdita are more mother and daughter than friends.
Bess helps to train Perdita and is assiduous in looking after her.

The dogs will come with us when we leave Kazakhstan – so once Perdita is vaccinated I will have the pleasure of learning how to get a pet passport from the relevant Kazakh ministry.  Each country has its own requirements for pet immigration – some easy some (like the UK) fiendishly difficult.  I am not yet sure when or where we are going when we leave Kazakhstan but, barring some unforeseen tragedy, the pets will be coming with us.

Click on the picture for more posts on expat pets.

Modern technology and staying in touch with family and friends.

The autumn seems to bring a spate of family birthdays – my children, mother in law, step mother, sister in law, niece, father and my sister all have birthdays falling between September and November.  In years gone by we were not able to call family for birthdays, we could not even be sure that a card would make its way to us.  Luckily three out of the four main family birthdays (my mother, father and my birthday) all fell in school holidays but my little sister’s falls squarely in term time. 

I remember the first year I spent away from her, alone at boarding school knowing she was in Nigeria with my family, celebrating a birthday but unable to get any message to her at all.  I had left a card with our parents at the end of the holidays but I felt very bad about not being able to be in contact. Consequently I was very excited, when she moved to a prep school in the UK.  My school allowed students in my year and above (age 13) to make telephone calls.  The other girls in my year, knowing I never made calls let me go ahead so I could ‘phone before my sisters bed time.  I remember getting through to her house-mistress and asking if I could wish my sister happy 9^th birthday only to be told that only parents and grand parents were allowed to call.  I explained our family situation and that nobody but me would be calling but they would not allow us to speak.  I could hear my sister pleading on the other end of the phone, wanting desperately to speak with me, before the phone was put down.  Luckily I had been able to send a card but I remember that evening as one of the most upsetting of my school life. 

The intervening years saw a lot of changes – when I went to school our post would take 3 months – I would dutifully write a letter home each week knowing that I would get to Nigeria before the letters.  The letters I received and read were full of out of date news but still precious as a tangible link to my family.  When I was a little older my family moved from Nigeria to Turkey, our post was faster and the school gave us a special dispensation to use the fax machine meaning we could receive and send letters each week.  By the time I went to university I had an email account and could send weekly letters directly to my parents through my father’s work email.  My sister’s school had not yet enabled email but I was able to call and send mail through the UK post. 

It really did feel, particularly when my parents were in Nigeria, that they were completely out of touch and that I was on my own.  When I was 12 I flew to Ireland to spend a half term with my grandparents, due to a mix up no one turned up to meet the 'plane.  The airline called my grandparents but also, despite my pleading, called my father’s UK office.  When the message that I was stranded in Dublin got through to them my parents were understandably frantic, it took them some days to get a call through to my aunt and be reassured that I was ok. 

Even in the late 1990’s we had some problems with communications.  One Sunday morning at university I received a call from my sister - due to delays she missed a connection on her flight home to Venezuela and was being re-routed.   She had tried to call our parents to let them know but to no avail.  I called home with no luck, I tried the office but my father was not in.  I asked for his cell phone number (it was too expensive to call normally so I did not have it) but for security they would not give it to me.  I finally managed to speak to someone who agreed to get a message through to him, just in time as he was about to leave for the airport.  My last option would have been to call Caracas airport and ask for an announcement to be put over the tannoy but whether or not they would have agreed to do this I have no idea.  When my sister got home and they investigated the problems with the telephone it turned out the line had been severed by a joy shot.  You just can’t plan for such happenings. 

I think about all the challenges we used to have to deal with just to keep in touch I am very thankful that it is so different these days.  My children speak to their family every week on skype – just the other day they even put on a ‘gymnastics show’ on the webcam.  When we first came to Kazakhstan I had to travel back to the UK for two weeks each month but I could still read them a bedtime story.  We are always contactable and available - mobile costs may be high but are much more affordable than in the past.  Our UK contract ‘phones are always charged and can be used for family to contact us (at little cost to them) in an emergency and they also have our Kazakh mobile numbers.  

Facebook and email mean that grandparents, extended family and friends can see the most up to date family photographs, they are able to stay in touch effortlessly and there  is no time-lag, no delay in news. We can send flowers and gifts to our family at the touch of a button, the children may not get the opportunity to browse shop shelves for gifts but they can help choose something from the internet.  The internet even allows our children to show off their school work.  Post from Kazakhstan can take some time so I regularly photograph key pieces of work and share them with instant messengers such as 'whats app'.  

Even if our children go to boarding school modern legislation means that they will be able to take full advantage of all these means of communication.    What a wonderful world we live in these days!

Click on the picture for more posts on the challenges of expat life.

The delicacies we leave behind

Everybody on the expat circuit has some delicacies from home that they pine for.  After writing about shopping in Kazakh supermarkets I started thinking about what I cannot live without.  I think, because I have moved around all my life I am both lucky and unlucky in this regard.  Most countries I have lived in have left me with some absolute 'must have' item that I miss when I leave.  This gives me more to miss but also means that I am used to doing without a lot of the things I love.

Some things are more difficult to get than others.  My favorite food is a gammon roast - not easy to find in some places.   Pork Products can be difficult to source in the Middle East and expensive when you do find them, I did find gammon here in Astana but when I cooked it it turned out to be ordinary pork - quite pleasant but not what I was looking for.    But then you always miss what you cannot have: in Nigeria we could get a most amazing array of local fruits but we could not get apples.  Every time I came home for the holidays I would bring a bag of them with me.  My mother would slice and freeze these.  I don’t recall that we ever used these in baking or fruit salads but single slices would be taken from the freezer as a special treat on difficult days.

When I was very young my favourite treat, on visiting my relatives in Ireland, was to eat a Creme Egg.  This is a deliciously disgusting Easter confection popular in the UK and Ireland consisting of low cocoa chocolate and creamy fondant.  Even today I have to limit myself to just one as they are incredibly addictive.  I have found a recipe for homemade eggs but they are even more lethal than the processed version.  100% sugar!

Ontbijtkoek from the Netherlands, a real favourite with me but
I have to make my own if I want to eat it.

My current 'must haves' are the things I go and buy straight away as soon as I return to a certain country.  In the UK it is a gammon roast and Aussie Mega shampoo, in the Netherlands a Krokett and Ontbijtkoek with a trip to the pharmacy for some Henna Plus hair balm.  When I am in Turkey I stock up on Lokum, Apple Tea and Mavi jeans (to my mind the most comfortable jeans in the world).  I have not been back to Nigeria or Venezuela since we moved away but were I to return I would make a beeline for a can of Limca (a sour lemon fizzy drink which comes, originally, from India) and churros respectively.  My husband really misses red Leicester cheese (a typical English cheese that is excellent on sandwiches) and pickles/chutneys.  I sometimes make a batch at home to use on sandwiches although perhaps not as often as I should.  We were thinking about what we will miss when we leave Astana - my husband will miss the very tasty shashlik (grilled kabab style meat) and I will miss pelmeni, a ground meat dumpling wrapped in thin dough.

Many of my British friends love Marmite (I cannot stand the stuff and was almost ill the one and only time I ate it), this is difficult to buy outside of the UK, other items my British friends seem to miss are Cadbury's chocolate and biscuits such as Bourbons and Custard Creams.  Rather inexplicably plain black tea seems to be on the list, although it is easily found just about everywhere in the world.  My English relatives joke that I just cannot understand how important the right tea is, an English tea company even exploited this habit by using it as the joke in an advertising campaign they were running - quite funny but oh so true. My Dutch friends have similar difficulties finding delicacies from home. 

Good old fashioned English scones are another yummy delicacy we
have to make at home.

As the world becomes smaller and supply chains easier to manage it becomes easier for supermarkets to devote sections to expatriates.  Many British supermarkets have a Polish Section for Polish expatriates living and working in the UK who want a taste of home.  Most large British towns have an oriental supermarket and online retailers will ship anywhere in the world.  I have a catalogue that lists all sorts of delicacies that can be delivered anywhere in the world but this ends up being very expensive so we tend to live on what we can get in the local supermarkets without hankering too much for what we can't.  I do, however, stockpile a little, when I first arrived in Astana I could not find muscovado sugar, it is easy enough to make a substitute but when I found it in stock one day I bought four kilogrammes.  I have not seen it since so it was a good call.    

Every now and then, however, it is great to have a treat or to lift the spirits so I stuff the empty corners of my suitcases with treats and keep one or two packets of biscuits stashed away at the back of a cupboard.  We all need to feel a connection with home from time to time whether it is apples in Nigeria, custard creams in Astana or Ontbijtkoek (Breakfast Cake), Kroketten or  Hagelslag (Chocolate sprinkles for sandwiches) just about anywhere outside of the Netherlands.

Added to the Expat Life Blog Link - where all the best posts on expat life are to be found

Click on the picture for more posts on the challenges of expat cooking.

Click on the picture for more posts on the challenges of expat life.

How to Start a Family Pancake Day Tradition

Shrove Tuesday; children around the world get to enjoy pancakes for pudding at school or as a treat when they get home.  My mother would always have pancakes ready for us when we got home and I try to do the same for my children. 

I usually cook pancakes or waffles for breakfast on a Saturday morning but I held off last weekend and promised the children pancakes for supper today.  It always surprises me to see pancake mix on the shelves of the supermarkets in the UK.  They are the simplest things in the world to make and when I read the instructions on the side of the ‘ready made’ mixes they usually say ‘just add milk and an egg’.  Since the basic ingredients are milk, egg, flour and baking powder I am at a loss as to what people think that they are buying.  I did once buy a packet to see whether it had a special ‘ingredient x’ that made the pancakes taste superior to my own but I was underwhelmed. 

I never measure my pancake mix, I just add the basic ingredients by judgment and mix them up – more milk for crepe’s and a thicker mix with a little more baking powder for American style pancakes.  If I want a richer taste I might add an American cup measure of yogurt or ricotta.  Sometimes I use a cup of sourdough starter instead of baking powder.  I always fry my pancakes in butter, it gives a much nicer taste than oil.

Melt the butter while preparing the mix.  The pan has to be very hot.  

Brown and ready to eat.

When I was a little girl my mother would sometimes add sugar and apples to the mix.  She fried the pancakes in a beautifully heavy, thick bottomed, cast iron pan.  This was never washed in soap but always oiled and layered in kitchen paper before being put in the cupboard.  It is a thing of beauty and I truly covet it.  I thought about taking it home with me when she died, it traveled round the world with her but sadly it is too heavy to bring abroad on our limited baggage allowance.  I have left it with my father for now, I use it sometimes when I visit him and it always brings me fond memories. 

My beautiful Uzbek Pancake Serving Dish

This year I have been able to start a tradition for my own family.  Uzbek pottery is beautiful stoneware decorated in colourful patterns making it a feast for the eyes.  We know a potter who comes to Astana a few times a year.  Sukrob brings plates directly from his own workshop and is able to fulfil individual requests.  My Christmas present last year was a full dinner service that my wonderful husband ordered for me.  He also bought me a pancake server.  This is actually a ‘plov’ dish, designed to keep rice warm but it works wonderfully for pancakes or just about anything else.  I look forward to the day when I can cook my Shrove Tuesday pancakes on my mother’s frying pan and serve them to my family in my plov dish.  I wonder what my daughter will add to the pan and the dish when she passes them on to her children.

Pancakes in their dish.

All rolled up and ready to eat.