How We Dismantle Our Expat Life Step By Step

Expat life is a constant round of goodbyes and hellos.  We left Malaysia for the final time on 8 December and this is a post I wrote while we were in the middle of the relocation process...  Our time in Malaysia, short as it has been (18 months total), is now coming to an end.  We were very lucky to be able to live in both East and West Malaysia and really get a sense of this country and its people.  

Goodbye Malaysia

That very piece of luck, however, meant that we were never really able to settle down in one place.  I remember the day, in Sarawak, that I finally thought ‘I have life here licked’, was the day Mr EE called me to say that his company were relocating us to Ipoh.  We knew our time in Ipoh would be short and we were expecting to move to KL in mid 2016.  While we are always happy to move at the demands of work we felt that life here was just that little bit too unsettled.  A few months ago Mr EE was invited to speak to the management of a school in another country about going over there to run it.  Neither that country nor a move were really on our agenda but we decided to look into it.  In the end the prospect of some few years stability looked attractive and we decided to take up the offer.

 

Of course expat life is also all about hurry up and wait and we did not get the final confirmation of timings until quite recently, schools usually want staff to start in September meaning you typically have between 6-9 months notice of a move but the new place confirmed that they want us as soon as possible, and that means going back to the UK (we were going on holiday anyway thank goodness) to sort out visa applications.  Not wanting to have to fly back for just a few short days to pack stuff up we decided to get as much of the move sorted out  as we could before we go to UK. 

So I am in those last few weeks of a posting – a limbo land where parts of life (school, work for Mr EE) continue as normal while we watch other elements of our life disintegrate around us, not yet knowing quite how they will be built up again at the other end.  I am at the stage of choosing the bedding and clothing to use based on what will be shipped and what will be packed to come with us and we are eating some bizarre combinations of food as I attempt to use up as many store cupboard goods as possible (the other night Mr EE and I ate a gourmet meal of Nutella sandwiches with Malteasers and white wine!).

Goodbye Blue Raja

The other day we sold our car; we fell in love with our comfortable if ancient Pajero nicknamed the Blue Raja (yes he is green but people who have seen the film Mystery Men will get the joke) and it was a wrench to see him go.  Not least because I now have to drive Mr EE’s company car and the final few weeks will involve juggling our very car based life around having just the one. 

I have been making arrangements for our shipment and in a few days from writing we will watch as our life gets divided down into boxes.  Master and Miss EE will have only their colouring pencils and the toys they can fit in half their hand baggage.  We will no longer have our books or DVDs (thank goodness for tablets and kindles)  and Miss EE will no longer have a bed, playpen or highchair, will have to be watched like a hawk at all times when she is not in her pushchair and will have to sleep with us (she has a tent style travel cot but, unlike her brother and sister who never invented this particular game, has been known to take it zorbing around the bedroom).   We have no float so I will have to cook on a single pan and we will eat off paper plates with plastic knives and forks and we will all sleep on a cheap pillow and with a basic fleece blanket that we can leave behind.  All the comfortable trappings of our daily life will go and we will be campers in our own home.

See you later pets

The other arrangements we have had to make are for the care and transport of the pets.  Our vet here in Ipoh has offered to keep them for us.  This is a perfect solution as they will stay in the climate they are used to right up until the move.  They will stay together and they will not be in kennels and our vet can make sure that their vaccinations (Perdie’s are due while we are away) are maintained and that Bessie who is over 100 in human years is cared for if she gets sick.  We will miss our furry family members though (I cried when I dropped them off) – life is never quite right without them and Bessie is old enough that I worry every time we leave her. 

So as I type the car, the stuff and the pets have left us and I sit in a house devoid of character and the things that make our life our life.  We will have just a few days to revisit what we enjoyed about our time here.  Eat at favourite restaurants for one last time, go on a special walk or enjoy a spectacular view for the last time.  We have to take the opportunity to fix this chapter of our lives in our minds forever, the mental photographs will have to last us a lifetime.

Goodbye - will we ever have a view like this again?

The hurry up and wait, the cycle of goodbyes and hellos are the basic facts of expat life.  This feels like the 100^th time I have done it and while we want to go, we are all excited by the move and a chance to settle in one place for a few years we are all of us sitting here watching the comfortable rituals we have built up over the last 9 months slowly disintegrate before our eyes and are wondering what will replace them and when.  All we do know is that while some of the pieces will be the same, enduring through each and every move, some will be very different indeed and it is our job to make them fit together in a new design. 

So, as all expats do time and again we will raise a toast to the next step of the adventure.

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Posted as part of the monthly #ExpatLife linky hosted by Amanda of the excellent Life with a Double Buggy.

The Humour of Househunting

We have just returned to Miri from a week's house hunting in Ipoh.  I wrote, a few months ago, on how to go about finding your perfect house and this week was certainly a useful roller-coaster.

We had arranged to meet with four different estate agents, one on each day to view a range of houses. We had asked to see a minimum of five per agent as we know from experience here in Miri that agents in Malaysia think nothing of showing just one or two houses to try to lock in the deal on a property that they need to shift.  My husband had spoken with one lady the week he was in Ipoh and she said straight out that she never showed more than two properties as people didn't really know what they wanted and could just settle for what she showed them. Hmmmm....

This beautiful property is not quite in 'move in' condition.

This is a general, worldwide problem with estate agents; their priority is, quite rightly, to shift properties not match you to your dream but they can be self defeating in the way they go about it.  I remember looking at apartments in Venezuela where the agent wanted us to look at properties above the allowance ('oh but if you complain to the company they will pay more for a good house, the boss' family need a good house etc etc'), she got quite offended when my mother refused to play along and insisted the allowance was a non negotiable.  I spent an afternoon in Suzhou, China (for a posting that did not happen in the end) and none of the houses I was shown met with any of the criteria I was asked to specify.  Don't get me wrong, I understand the need to be flexible and have lived in some bizarre properties as a result of this, but why give a list of options if you cannot meet any of them?  The agent who lets our property in the UK keeps showing it to the most unsuitable of people then gleefully reports that they have had x no of viewings a week as though that, instead of actually letting the property is the measure of success.

House-hunting, wherever you do it, needs a sense of humour.  One of the Ipoh agents told us that she had the perfect house for us, 5 minutes walk from the office, 20 minutes drive to school, in a garden area in the centre of town.  We were very excited and looking forward to seeing this property which sounded ideal.  When we got there, however, it was a building site; it had no walls, it was literally just a roof with supporting columns.   The agent told us that we could specify everything about the house and it would be finished in the next 3-6 months.  When we explained (again) that we were looking to move in 2-3 weeks she looked rather crestfallen and said she could ask the owners to expedite the works!  My husband and I had to make sure that we did not look at each other, we would have burst into a kink of laughter and we were desperate not to hurt the feelings of the agent.  In fact one of the most stressful things, for me, about house-hunting, is working out how to reject unsuitable properties without being rude.

Some work required.....

We sent the agents a list of what we were looking for and we did see a range of houses but out of a total of 18 houses only 1 was suitable for us.  We said no to the one with the termite infestation and no cooking facilities (the owner would allow us to install an oven and hob at our own expense!) and the two properties where we would not be allowed our dogs. We also said no to the house with no parking and the two bed one bath apartment (beautiful but not really suitable for a family of 5+2). We looked at a few that were absolutely stunning but were not yet fitted and furnished.  We were promised that it would be done to our specification in the two weeks between signing the contract and the move but I have been burned by a similar situation in the past which resulted in a month long hotel stay while the work was done.

A perfect view.

An aunt of one of my husband's co-workers came up trumps and found the perfect spot for us, a lovely 5 bed villa with a garden, set by a lake in the mountains and a short drive from school and work.  We can watch families of monkeys play on the other side of the lake and the garden is filled with songbirds.  The owners are making some modifications (installing an oven and stairgates for us) and we should, fingers crossed, move in soon.

I have added this post to Amanda Mulligan's (life with a double buggy) Expat Life Linky - click to read more fascinating expat posts from around the world.

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Relocation - how to deal with culture shock.

When people ask me where I am from I find it almost impossible to answer.  Readers may have noticed that rather than mention a nationality as such I call myself a global soul or perpetual expat.  In essence I am a true TCK (third culture kid) although I dislike that term. 

Being an expat means life can change, very dramatically from year to year.

With so many international and intra-national moves under my belt I should deal with the emotional upheaval with no problems at all.  I have found, however, that this is simply not the case.  As a child I must have caused my parents endless heartache and annoyance at moving time.  I usually got an unexplained stomach ache about three weeks before we moved.  It did not matter whether I was excited or nervous about the move, my stomach would start to ache. 

Culture shock is a common and acknowledged expat phenomenon and there has even been research on how people adapt to their new home.  Expats tend to identify five stages of relocation (after Olberg).

• Honeymoon
• Irritation/Anger
• Rejection/Regression
• Intergration/Assimilation
• Re-entry

I usually find stages 1-3 combine in the early days of a new posting to give rise to a maelstrom of emotions.  Exploring new places is exciting, finding out what there is to do and what is new and different is a heady experience.  We go to all the local attractions, research what flights are available, dreaming of the exotic holidays we can take and I trawl round shops and supermarkets getting excited about what is on the shelves.  Irritation usually creeps in early for me and I know I have to nip it in the bud so that I don’t reject our new life and the opportunities on offer.  

I tend to assimilate and integrate quickly and easily (I have had so much practice and it helps that I have no real geographic ties) so when I move somewhere new I get frustrated that I am not learning things more quickly.  I am my own worst critic, of course it is not unreasonable, after just two weeks, to not know how to contact the city council, pay a bill, hold a conversation on local pension arrangements in the local language.  I have to make myself remember that, although I could do all this in our previous posting some of it took me a little time to get my head around. Sometimes simple moves can be the most confusing.  I will always remember my very capable mother (who could talk down armed militia in the middle of the African bush) getting very stressed at the thought that she might have missed the registration deadline with the local council in the UK - she was working to Dutch bureaucratic rules!

It helps, when relocating to be aware of the stages set out above and how they might apply to your character.  If you know and understand you can deal more easily.  Like me some people find the second and third stages last a very short time, others may take months to work through them.  Processes and times are also different for each location and it is not always a linear progression.  Sometimes an expat might sail through all the stages and start to integrate well, enjoying their life only for something to set them back and for the realities of their situation to overwhelm them.  This can often be triggered by bereavement in the home country or children moving back 'home' to boarding school but there are many reasons.  It is vital, therefore, to build up support networks early on, find friends, get involved in activities that you enjoy.  It is also important to keep a close eye on other expats around you, has someone started to withdraw, are they quieter than normal, are they struggling but hiding it for some reason? It is a delicate balance between offering help and interfering, however, so let people go at their own pace.  Be aware that once someone has been helped they may be embarrassed and may not wish to speak with you again (unless the problem re-occurs).  This is perfectly normal – try to understand even if you are hurt.

Working expats are often more insulated from culture and relocation shock than the trailing family.  Life changes little, you get up, go to the office, do your job and come home.  Of course the new job will have work related stresses, particularly if a promotion is involved or you now have to work in another language but this is separate from the country specific stress.  The lives of the trailing family are more affected, the children have to adapt to a new school, the other spouse to making life work in a completely different environment.  Sometimes a trailing spouse has to remake their whole identity – this is particularly true if they have left behind a career and are now defined, by default as the “husband or wife of X”.  Finding a job in the host country can be challenging and frustrating – I am a highly qualified financial litigator but I have not worked in the law for years.  I have, however, had a range of different jobs including a stint as a school librarian! 

Family members should be kind to one another at this time – look out for signs of upset or worry.  Just because one child is settling well does not mean that siblings are as happy.  Just because you had a wonderful day at the office does not mean that your spouse enjoyed miming the problems with the pipes to the plumber who was sent around to fix them.  Just because you had a dreadful day registering with the local doctors does not mean your spouse does not need to get work stress off their chest.  In the home country the support of family and close friends is near at hand – in the host country, particularly in the early days, the nuclear family is the only support.  Be aware of this, make a special effort.  Most expat families find that they become very close and have extremely strong bonds because of exactly these experiences but sadly some can find themselves riven – the constituent parts dealing with emotional problems in a vacuum of support. 

How to deal with culture shock – top tips.

• Spend time before your move understanding what you will and won’t miss. This helps you process your emotions about leaving and help you concentrate on your new home when you get there.
• Make contact with people in your new home ahead of time where possible.  This means you can identify potentially challenging aspects of your new life and start to prepare for them.  It also gives you some potential friends and a proto support network.
• Be open and honest with children about changes to their lives.  Ask them what would help them feel secure in the move.  This may be something physical (a toy, a reminder of their old home/school) or not (an arrangement allowing them to speak to an old friend once a week on skype etc).  If you can make it happen do.  If you can’t be honest, never make promises you cannot keep but do help them identify viable alternatives.
• Watch out for each other.  You and your family know (or should know) each other better than anyone else.  Keep an eye out for changed behaviour that might be a symptom of struggling with something. 
• Be kind to yourself, no one expects you to be adept at dealing with all aspects of your new life straight away.  You are allowed to ask for help with things.
• Be positive but honest.  There is good in every situation – try to look at things in a positive light even if it is only that you will have a good laugh and an amazing story to tell one day.  Do not, however, be relentlessly and unrealistically positive.  Sometimes bad things happen and if you do not acknowledge it now you may find it harder to deal with later. 
• Find ways to keep traditions that are important to you and your family.  If Christmas, Eid, Diwali, your national day etc, are something that you always celebrate make sure that you manage this.  You may need to make some changes but these links with your old life are important.
• Learn as much as you can about local customs before you arrive.  Most cultures are very forgiving of solecisms perpetrated by accident but you will feel happier in yourself if you know what behaviour is acceptable.  Similarly try to learn as much language as you can – even a few words and phrases can help.
• Accept every invite you get for the first three months at least.  Expat communities are often small and new arrivals are exciting, everyone wants to get to know you.  Receive an invite to the local tennis club?  It does not matter if tennis is not your thing – go and socialise and get to know people, you will get more invitations from people you meet there.  Random invitations tend to start to dry up after three-six months as people assume you have become settled and found your niche and friendship group.  Make the most of the opportunities you are offered in the early days. 
• As you become more established in your new home keep an eye out for new arrivals.

I have subsequently added this to Life With A Double Buggy's  Expat Linky- click for even more Expat treats.....

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