Relocation - how to deal with culture shock.

When people ask me where I am from I find it almost impossible to answer.  Readers may have noticed that rather than mention a nationality as such I call myself a global soul or perpetual expat.  In essence I am a true TCK (third culture kid) although I dislike that term. 

Being an expat means life can change, very dramatically from year to year.

With so many international and intra-national moves under my belt I should deal with the emotional upheaval with no problems at all.  I have found, however, that this is simply not the case.  As a child I must have caused my parents endless heartache and annoyance at moving time.  I usually got an unexplained stomach ache about three weeks before we moved.  It did not matter whether I was excited or nervous about the move, my stomach would start to ache. 

Culture shock is a common and acknowledged expat phenomenon and there has even been research on how people adapt to their new home.  Expats tend to identify five stages of relocation (after Olberg).

• Honeymoon
• Irritation/Anger
• Rejection/Regression
• Intergration/Assimilation
• Re-entry

I usually find stages 1-3 combine in the early days of a new posting to give rise to a maelstrom of emotions.  Exploring new places is exciting, finding out what there is to do and what is new and different is a heady experience.  We go to all the local attractions, research what flights are available, dreaming of the exotic holidays we can take and I trawl round shops and supermarkets getting excited about what is on the shelves.  Irritation usually creeps in early for me and I know I have to nip it in the bud so that I don’t reject our new life and the opportunities on offer.  

I tend to assimilate and integrate quickly and easily (I have had so much practice and it helps that I have no real geographic ties) so when I move somewhere new I get frustrated that I am not learning things more quickly.  I am my own worst critic, of course it is not unreasonable, after just two weeks, to not know how to contact the city council, pay a bill, hold a conversation on local pension arrangements in the local language.  I have to make myself remember that, although I could do all this in our previous posting some of it took me a little time to get my head around. Sometimes simple moves can be the most confusing.  I will always remember my very capable mother (who could talk down armed militia in the middle of the African bush) getting very stressed at the thought that she might have missed the registration deadline with the local council in the UK - she was working to Dutch bureaucratic rules!

It helps, when relocating to be aware of the stages set out above and how they might apply to your character.  If you know and understand you can deal more easily.  Like me some people find the second and third stages last a very short time, others may take months to work through them.  Processes and times are also different for each location and it is not always a linear progression.  Sometimes an expat might sail through all the stages and start to integrate well, enjoying their life only for something to set them back and for the realities of their situation to overwhelm them.  This can often be triggered by bereavement in the home country or children moving back 'home' to boarding school but there are many reasons.  It is vital, therefore, to build up support networks early on, find friends, get involved in activities that you enjoy.  It is also important to keep a close eye on other expats around you, has someone started to withdraw, are they quieter than normal, are they struggling but hiding it for some reason? It is a delicate balance between offering help and interfering, however, so let people go at their own pace.  Be aware that once someone has been helped they may be embarrassed and may not wish to speak with you again (unless the problem re-occurs).  This is perfectly normal – try to understand even if you are hurt.

Working expats are often more insulated from culture and relocation shock than the trailing family.  Life changes little, you get up, go to the office, do your job and come home.  Of course the new job will have work related stresses, particularly if a promotion is involved or you now have to work in another language but this is separate from the country specific stress.  The lives of the trailing family are more affected, the children have to adapt to a new school, the other spouse to making life work in a completely different environment.  Sometimes a trailing spouse has to remake their whole identity – this is particularly true if they have left behind a career and are now defined, by default as the “husband or wife of X”.  Finding a job in the host country can be challenging and frustrating – I am a highly qualified financial litigator but I have not worked in the law for years.  I have, however, had a range of different jobs including a stint as a school librarian! 

Family members should be kind to one another at this time – look out for signs of upset or worry.  Just because one child is settling well does not mean that siblings are as happy.  Just because you had a wonderful day at the office does not mean that your spouse enjoyed miming the problems with the pipes to the plumber who was sent around to fix them.  Just because you had a dreadful day registering with the local doctors does not mean your spouse does not need to get work stress off their chest.  In the home country the support of family and close friends is near at hand – in the host country, particularly in the early days, the nuclear family is the only support.  Be aware of this, make a special effort.  Most expat families find that they become very close and have extremely strong bonds because of exactly these experiences but sadly some can find themselves riven – the constituent parts dealing with emotional problems in a vacuum of support. 

How to deal with culture shock – top tips.

• Spend time before your move understanding what you will and won’t miss. This helps you process your emotions about leaving and help you concentrate on your new home when you get there.
• Make contact with people in your new home ahead of time where possible.  This means you can identify potentially challenging aspects of your new life and start to prepare for them.  It also gives you some potential friends and a proto support network.
• Be open and honest with children about changes to their lives.  Ask them what would help them feel secure in the move.  This may be something physical (a toy, a reminder of their old home/school) or not (an arrangement allowing them to speak to an old friend once a week on skype etc).  If you can make it happen do.  If you can’t be honest, never make promises you cannot keep but do help them identify viable alternatives.
• Watch out for each other.  You and your family know (or should know) each other better than anyone else.  Keep an eye out for changed behaviour that might be a symptom of struggling with something. 
• Be kind to yourself, no one expects you to be adept at dealing with all aspects of your new life straight away.  You are allowed to ask for help with things.
• Be positive but honest.  There is good in every situation – try to look at things in a positive light even if it is only that you will have a good laugh and an amazing story to tell one day.  Do not, however, be relentlessly and unrealistically positive.  Sometimes bad things happen and if you do not acknowledge it now you may find it harder to deal with later. 
• Find ways to keep traditions that are important to you and your family.  If Christmas, Eid, Diwali, your national day etc, are something that you always celebrate make sure that you manage this.  You may need to make some changes but these links with your old life are important.
• Learn as much as you can about local customs before you arrive.  Most cultures are very forgiving of solecisms perpetrated by accident but you will feel happier in yourself if you know what behaviour is acceptable.  Similarly try to learn as much language as you can – even a few words and phrases can help.
• Accept every invite you get for the first three months at least.  Expat communities are often small and new arrivals are exciting, everyone wants to get to know you.  Receive an invite to the local tennis club?  It does not matter if tennis is not your thing – go and socialise and get to know people, you will get more invitations from people you meet there.  Random invitations tend to start to dry up after three-six months as people assume you have become settled and found your niche and friendship group.  Make the most of the opportunities you are offered in the early days. 
• As you become more established in your new home keep an eye out for new arrivals.

I have subsequently added this to Life With A Double Buggy's  Expat Linky- click for even more Expat treats.....

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How to find a new home in your new location.

We have just moved in to our new home in Miri, Sarawak.  It is amazing how being in our own place, even minus our shipment, can make me feel so much more relaxed about our new location.

As a child our new home was not really something I gave much thought to.  My father’s company set us up in interim accommodation until his predecessor finished the handover and left, we then moved into the predecessor’s house.  Often we were on company camps and there was no option but to live in the given property and even when we lived out in the community options were often limited.

Tied accommodation is the norm for resident teachers in UK boarding schools and from the start of our marriage we have lived in some choice properties (we could choose red carpet with blue flecks or blue with red, rickety furniture as standard) and we have become pretty adept at using throws, cushions, pictures etc to personalise a place. 

Some personalisation needed!

When we moved to Kazakhstan there was no provision for hotel accommodation so we were told that we would have to choose our apartment before we arrived and move straight in to it. In many ways this was fantastic as we were straight in to our new home.  HR could not, however, understand why I insisted on seeing photographs of every room in the proposed apartments, wanted a floor plan and a list of furniture that came with the property.  The estate agents seemed to be obsessed with photographs of bathrooms to the exclusion of any other room in the property.  I was told that it was normal, in Astana, for people to arrive and then move again a few weeks or months later if the property did not suit.  They could not understand that we wanted to keep the disruption for the children to an absolute minimum – to let them move into a home that they could feel was permanent.  It is one thing to stay in a hotel for a few weeks and then move quite another to hop between homes.

A tasteful interior - as an expat you too could live in a place like this!

Some of the decoration in the proposed flats was… interesting.  Having lived in tied accommodation in the UK and elsewhere (our house in Warri, Nigeria had banana yellow walls, cream and brown swirled carpet and grey (later orange and blue) sofas) I could see beyond this but there were certain non negotiables we were unwilling to compromise on.  We needed large space for the children and dog so they would not feel cooped up in the winter.  We needed a spare bedroom/office space so that I could work from home and we could have family to visit without making someone sleep on the sofa, underground parking, proximity to supermarkets and a lift.  We finally found the apartment we could be happy in only for one man in HR to tell us he wanted us to sign on a different, smaller apartment that met none of our criteria because he ‘liked the landlord’…hmmm.  He was a little miffed when I put my foot down but it was worth it, we lived in the apartment from the day we arrived to the day we left Kazakhstan.  Some other colleagues found, on arriving in Astana that they were moved into apartments that had nothing in common with the ones they thought they had rented and had to move.  I have never apologised for being fussy on my non negotiables!

Don't be shy about being honest if something does not work for you.
This delightful kitchen was one step too far for me!

Our recent move to Miri was a little easier in that we had two weeks in a hotel to house hunt.  Employers put us in touch with a local estate agent who showed us round.  Initially she had not been given a list of our criteria so the first few properties were unsuitable but she came up trumps pretty quickly.  Our main concern was to find a furnished place as we do not have any furniture coming in our shipment and do not have a furniture allowance.  Most properties in Miri are let un or only part furnished.  We looked at some amazing 7/8 bedroom houses with all the space in the world but they came with beds and a sofa nothing else.  Furniture may be relatively cheap in Miri but with a new baby on the way we do not want to be spending money we don’t need to.  Minimalist living may appeal to some but there is such a thing as too minimalist!  

We found a lovely property complete with furniture and some kitchen ware to tide us over and promptly decided to start negotiations to move in.  It has not quite been a week and we are still waiting for toys, books, personal items etc to arrive but this house already feels like a home so we know that we have made the right decision.

Top tips for finding a home in your new location:

• Will you have a choice of property or have to take what you are given?  If the latter you just have to be flexible and fit in or negotiate for a more suitable property once you are in place.
• If you are able to choose your own property find out your budget, do you have an allowance?  Are you willing to top it up yourself?  Let your agent know the budget range you are prepared to deal in.
• Decide what you need from your new house and be honest about it this should help prevent your agent showing you unsuitable properties.
• Do you have limited time in the hotel before moving, if so you may need to compromise a little more to get a property in time.
• Ask other expats about local idiosyncrasies/points to check ie in Miri I asked for the landlord to run pest control before we moved in.  In Astana I checked that the heating etc was working.  In the UK check how much council tax you pay on your property.
• Get to know your landlord - be nice to them and they will (hopefully) help you out beyond the minimum.
• Learn to love (or at least ignore) someone else’s taste.  The lighting/furniture/crockery etc may be hideous but you will have to live with it.  Get creative with sofa throws, pictures, etc etc.   
• Some times you will be living somewhere full of tasteless tat, sometimes in a home you could only imagine in your wildest dreams.  Our reward for the years in the Warri house (of banana wall fame) came on our move to Lagos.  We moved into a stunning old colonial mansion with the most amazing parquet floors and a huge garden with beautiful established tropical plants and (a luxurious necessity) our own generator rather than a communal one for power cuts.  Even the furnishings were (mostly) tasteful.  Learn to accept the rough and revel in the smooth. 

Sometimes you catch a break with a beautiful home.  

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Settling In To Our New Home in Astana

Some friends of ours have just moved to Astana which started me thinking about the whole process of moving.

There  is something very strange about coming to your new home, it is where you live but it is strange and alien to you.  So – how do you make it yours as quickly as possible?  I adopt a system of making sure that everything is set out in the same way as every other home I have ever had.  Of  course not everything can be put in exactly the same place but by and large I try to make things as similar as possible. My kitchen is a case in point – my sister can come into a new home of mine and know where to find everything straight away without looking through hundreds of cupboards.  The cutlery and pans are usually to the right of the sink, the cooking oil is by the left of the hob.  My wardrobe is arranged in exactly the same way in each home as is my dressing and bedside table. 

When we moved to Astana I had to settle the children in quickly.  I moved many times as a child but I never got used to it, I would get nervous stomach aches and feel very unsettled.  This time it was worse because although I was not concerned about the move I was worried for the effect it would have on my children.  My mother would always try to minimise the disruption any move brought to our lives and I followed her system.  We packed the children's bedding in the excess baggage suitcases so they woke up under their duvet in one home and went to sleep in the same duvet that night albeit in a different country.  This feeling of home helped a lot.  I let them choose which toys came in our handbaggage/airfreight so they knew what they would be playing with when they got to their new home – some  old favourites and one new treat each.  When our shipment arrived (if that is the right phrase for boxes brought to a landlocked country) the children unpacked their own rooms. Strictly speaking given their ages  at the time we unpacked under their supervision but this gave them ownership of their new bedrooms and made them feel more settled.  Funnily enough I noticed they did exactly the same thing I did and tried  to replicate the layout of their previous bedrooms.

Even with all this it took our son some  time to settle into his new life.  At almost 5 years old he missed his extended family and while Skype helped he wanted to see his grandparents and his friends. When we went away from home for weekend trips he started fretting and asking if we were moving again.  Our daughter who turned 3 shortly after we arrived was not concerned at all;  I am not sure whether this is age or character driven, to be honest it is probably a little of both.  Starting school really helped to settle them, making friends and having them back home to play was a very important step in making them feel at home in Astana.

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